Things You Can Learn From a Dog:
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your
face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close
by and nuzzle them gently.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the
guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Bond with your pack.
Why Dogs Can't Use Computers:
He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE
are out of the question.
Saliva coated floppy disks refuse to work.
Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give away that he's
browsing www.purina.com instead of working.
The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
He can't help attacking the screen when he hears
"You've Got Mail."
It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.
The FETCH command isn't available on all
He can't stick his head out of Windows 98.
The Top 10 Ways Dogs Are Better Speakers Than
Dogs may know more about presenting than all the speech coaches in the
world. Maybe your next presentation should go to the dogs. When two dogs
made their entrance at a business meeting I recently attended, here's what I
noted about their presentation technique:
1. Dogs always seem glad to see you (I've excused pit bulls from the analysis).
2. There is no artifice or pretense about their greeting. They just come right up
to you and make friends. They communicate friendly little noises but never give
you a long line of guff.
3. They show the same affectionate attention to everybody. They're
demonstrative without being pushy.
4. Their message is simple. "We like you. We like being here. We'll help you in
any way we can."
5. They have no hidden agendas.
6. Their body language is telegraphic.
7. They don't do most of the things that dull coaches and speakers do: they
don't carry scripts, don't monotone endlessly about themselves, don't lean on
podiums, and don't tell bad jokes or endless stories (not even endless shaggy
8. Dogs have a great sense of knowing when they're no longer the center of
attraction. They just go over and lie down. They don't go overtime.
9. They know who they are. Most of them have endearing personalities.
10. They're good friends. They don't come in, put on a show, and hurry out to
a waiting limo or taxicab. They'll stay with you as long as you need them.
The Talking Dog
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and
the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and
sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to
help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me
jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no
one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies
eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was
awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth
are you selling him?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar."
Cross breeding of dogs to produce new breeds has
produced some interesting results:
A Collie bred with a Lhasa Apso is a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy
A Spitz plus a Chow is Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
A Pointer bred with a Setter is a Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Great Pyrenees and Dachshund, Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
A Pekingnese and a Lhasa Apso is a Peekasso, an abstract dog.
An Irish Water Spaniel and an English Springer Spaniel is the Irish Springer,
a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
Labrador Retriever bred with a Curly Coated Retriever produces the Lab
Coat Retriever, a choice of research scientists.
A Newfoundland with Basset Hound results in the Newfound Asset Hound,
a dog for financial advisors.
A Terrier and a Bulldog is the Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
A Bloodhound and Labrador, the Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
A Malamute crossed with a Pointer, the Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it
doesn't matter anyway.
A Collie with a Malamute is the Commute, a dog that travels to work.
And of course there is the Deerhound and Terrier mix, the Derriere, a dog
that's true to the end.
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a
beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over
themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in
front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty,
slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides
to be kind and tells them "The first one who can use the words "liver" and
"cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with
me." The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love
liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no
imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden
Retriever and said "How well can you do?" "Uh, I HATE liver and cheese,"
blurts out the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's
hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the
last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the
three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell
Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever
and the Lab and says...... READY? "Liver alone. Cheese mine."
Dog Owner's Prayer
O Lord, don't let me once forget
How I love my trusty pet.
Help me learn to disregard
Canine Craters in My Yard.
Show me how to be a buddy,
Even when my sofa's muddy.
Don't allow my dog to munch
Postal carriers for lunch.
Shield my neighbor's cat from view,
Guide my steps around the doo.
Train me not to curse and scowl
When it's puppy's night to howl.
Grant I shan't awake in fear
With a cold nose in my ear.
Give me patience without end.
Help me be a dog's best friend!
Dogs need to sniff the ground;
it's how they keep abreast of
current events. The ground is a
giant dog newspaper, containing
all kinds of late-breaking dog news
items, which, if they are especially
urgent, are often continued in the
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one
day when a fire truck zoomed past them. Sitting in the front seat of the fire
truck was a Dalmatian. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No, he's just for good luck," said another.
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
Did you hear about the Preacher
who taught his dog how to heal?
- - - -
A dog gave birth to puppies near
the road and was cited for
- - - -
What do you get when you cross
a dog with a lion?
A really scared mailman!
- - - -
The reason a dog has so many
friends is that he wags his tail
instead of his tongue.
How do you keep a dog from
barking in your front yard?
Put it in your back yard!
- - - -
Why are Dalmatians no good at
"Hide and Seek"?
They're always spotted!
Two men are walking their dogs, a poodle and a German Shepard. They decide
they'd like to go into a bar for a drink. "But we can't bring out dogs into that bar,"
says the poodle's human. "Hey, no problem," says the German Shepard's owner. "Just
watch this." He pulls out a pair of sunglasses and walks into the bar.
"Hey, no dogs!" yells the bartender. "But this is a seeing eye dog," says the German
Shepard's human. The bartender apologizes and shows them to a chair. So, the poodle
owner decides to follow suit, whips out his sunglasses, and walks into the bar.
"Hey, no dogs!" yells the bartender. "But this is a seeing eye dog," says the poodle's
human. The bartender objects, "Hey, poodles can't be seeing eye dogs!"
The poodle owner gasps, "Poodle? They told me they were giving me a German
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating
the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer
and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went
inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign,
looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at
the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he
lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The
dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He
took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back
on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have
to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to
demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet
and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally
dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent
dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the
sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said,
"Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
Dogs and cats are better than kids...they eat less, don't ask
for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come
when called, never drive your car, don't hangout with
drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about
having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes,
and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they
get pregnant, you can sell the children.